I am thrilled to be publishing my infertility memoir, “Angel Wings”. It is my prayer that those women who are struggling with infertility, going through IVF or who are having a miscarriage will find hope within its pages. I recount my own experience through secondary infertility (seven miscarriages) that ultimately led me to realize my body needed a surrogate.
My faith and my marriage were both tested but came out stronger than ever in the end. It has become my mission to help those who walk in my shoes, and to give them the love and support that I needed when I was battling infertility.
A Lack of Supportive and Informative Tools
I will always remember the moment that I recognized my calling to create support for the infertile.
It was late afternoon on a November day when I pulled into the vast shopping center parking lot. I put my car into park and began to sob. A few Kleenexes later, I pulled myself together and got out of my car.
“Just don’t lose it when you ask the question,” I told myself as I made my way toward the Barnes and Noble.
The two sets of wooden doors seemed heavier than normal as I pushed them open. I inhaled the familiar smell of book paper and ground coffee then made a quick left and walked straight up to the information desk. With her short black hair and round wire-rimmed glasses halfway down her nose, she could have easily been a character straight out of a Harry Potter book.
Strangely enough, the Harry Potter section was just to the left of us toward the back of the store. I didn’t know if I was going to laugh or cry when she spoke to me in an English accent.
“May I help you?”
I’ve never been one to speak in whispers, in fact my husband claims it’s not possible for me, but I still tried to speak softly.
“Where is your section on Infertility and Miscarriages?”
She looked over her glasses at me, “I’m sorry, WOT?”
I could feel the big lump in my throat as I swallowed. I was actually miscarrying, bleeding and cramping as I stood there in the store. I had just come from my OB/GYN’s office. I needed information on how to cope with what I was going through. I felt so sad and incredibly alone. I felt like a failure to my husband. I also was compelled to learn about the biological aspects of what was happening to me.
“Infertility and Miscarriages? Where is that section?”
“That is the oddest request! I have worked here ten years and I’ve never had anyone ask for those sorts of books before. We don’t have anything on those subjects, I am sorry.”
It was hard for me to believe that in the seemingly infinite rows of books there wouldn’t be one book on miscarriage and infertility. All around me were study guides, cookbooks, even racy titles for couples bored in the bedroom. There were books targeted at women who were pregnant, women who had lost children and countless books on dieting. How could there not be any books on miscarriage and infertility?
Tears welled up in my eyes as I walked back out into the parking lot. I wanted to punch her. She couldn’t have been any more cold. I wanted to scream. This was my third miscarriage in a row. Something was definitely wrong with me, and I didn’t know where to turn or what to do. I knew right then and there – that someday I would write my story to make this information available for women like me.
An Eye-Opening Journey
In the months and years that followed, it was a combination of my faith, personal development, and advocating for myself that helped me survive emotionally and eventually become a mother for the second and third time. It was frequently a long and lonely path, but God sent me angels who guided me in my climb. In fact, he even sent me a burning bush sign in the form of a red-carpet celebrity. Read more here
There were times when I was angry at God. But even at my lowest point, when things were definitely not going my way, I never turned my back on God or my faith. Despite what the doctors said I also never completely lost hope. There were always glimmers of hope and I chose to embrace them when they appeared.
On my journey through infertility I learned how common it is. I also learned that most women suffer in silence. The day I walked out of the Barnes & Noble, I knew I would write this book. I didn’t know if I would ever have children again, but I knew I would write this book to comfort, support and offer guidance to the approximately 50 million couples worldwide who suffer from some form of infertility.
I have written my memoir, Angel Wings, with heart wrenching honesty. My goal is to restore hope to any woman suffering from infertility. There is hope for every woman, every couple and my wish is that they find it by reading my book.